It's important to be able to recognize the warning signs of a toxic relationship. While relationships
can be full of playful dates, positive emotional growth, and a stream
of sunsets and heart emojis, that isn't always the case. Unfortunately
for many women, romantic relationships can also be major sources of
negativity, stress, and a never-ending stream of drama. Even worse, a
lot of the signs of a toxic relationships are tricky to spot, so people
in one might not even be aware of it. “It's easy to identify physical
abuse but very difficult for a person in a toxic relationship to ‘hear’
abuse, especially if the victim was raised around negativity or
criticism," says Dr. Gloria Brame, award-winning sex therapist and best-selling author.
"For them, toxic relationships are a norm. Learning the
verbal/behavioral signs of an abusive/narcissistic personality is a
critical learning skill for everyone who dates. It's an issue I work on
in therapy with depressing regularity".
We asked
experts to break down everyday relationship scenarios and tell us how
they’re handled in a healthy relationship versus a toxic one. After all,
identifying the problem is the first step toward doing something about
it.
12 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship
1. Dread When You Mention You Want Them to Meet Your Family
It
may surprise you, but one of the best warning signs that you’re with a
toxic partner is how they act the second you tell him or her you want
everyone to meet—long before the IRL moment occurs. “A toxic partner is
not worried about building a foundation with you and your kin. “From the moment you utter the words ‘My family would love to
meet you,’ a toxic partner acts like you’ve just cordially invited him
to a 24-hour shopping fest…on Black Friday…in a blizzard. They will take
every chance they get to remind you what they’re giving up (‘I guess
I’ll tell the gang that they’ll be one short for poker night, but
whatever!’), not to mention how much you owe them for their act of
generosity.
“A partner in a healthy relationship will see this as the glorious opportunity it is: A chance to get in good with the (possibly) future in-laws. They will prep for it, like they would if they were going in for an interview at their dream job,” says Morse. “They will pepper you with questions beforehand, hoping to gather as much intel as possible: What is your sister’s husband like? What kind of gift should they bring for your parents? Do your folks like chocolate or are they more wine people?”
And when the day
actually rolls around? “A healthy partner will be genuine,
enthusiastic, and as interested in getting to know your loved ones as
they were to get to know you. They will ask engaging questions, offer to
help with the dishes, and treat you like the gem you are, reassuring
your parents that you are in great hands,” says Morse.
2. Inconsistent or Hurtful Texting
Erratic
texting patterns and negative, hurtful text content can be signs of a
toxic relationship that isn't on the right track. “In these kinds of
relationships, you partner will] text when they feel like it, at random
times, and more often than not, when they are bored or horny," says
Brame. "They don't feel obligated to answer you until they ‘feel’ like
it, which can be hours or days." And regarding sexting? "They're all hot
and intense in text and when you hook up later, they're more interested
in gaming, drinking, or suddenly announce they're going out with their
friends”.
Since
a lot of relationships blossom over early-stage texting, pay close
attention to how the person’s texts and texting behavior makes you feel.
“With a new relationship, you should feel like the person you are
seeing is the one to check in, the one to ask about your day, the one to
make plans,” advises Shallon Lester, author of dating memoir Exes and Ohs and YouTube sex and dating expert.
Otherwise, if you feel like you’re always the one reaching out and
showing interest in their lives, you may be unconsciously setting the
foundation for an unbalanced relationship. If you feel this has been the
norm for a while, you may be with someone who really isn’t ready to be
in a caring, stable relationship. “Let them be super interested in
you!”
When things are going well, your SMS
messages should reflect it. “They text you on a fairly predictable
schedule and check their phones often enough that you can count on a
text back even during busy times,” says Brame. Regular sexting can also
be part of a healthy relationship. “They're all hot and intense in text
and when you hook up later, they are just as hot and intense about
seeing you too!”
P.S. Research has found people who sext are more satisfied with their sext lives. Just saying.
3. They Don't Make Room for You to Grow
Fact:
People change. Over time, we learn new things about ourselves and life,
and our dreams and goals and even opinions shift. That's OK. And it's
important to be with someone who's both willing to accept those changes
and grow too. In a toxic relationship, a guy will try to hold you back
and hold your personal growth against you. Don't let him; leave and grow
on instead.
“Toxic relationships are one’s in
which a partner feels threatened or insecure about your hobbies and
interests,” says Megan Fleming, a sex and relationship therapist
in New York City. Remember that middle school crush who was furious
when you beat them running the mile in gym? Like that, but on a much, much
larger scale. “They might create drama whenever you choose to do
something that doesn’t include them. They may implicitly or explicitly
say you can’t see (a particular friend) or do (a particular thing). They
make you choose between them and someone or something else. Ultimatums
are signs of a toxic relationship,” says Fleming.
In
healthy relationships, your partner supports your dreams. And
struggles. And #GirlBoss goals. “Healthy relationships promote the
growth of yourselves as individuals and as a couple. You support each
other’s interests even if you don’t share that interest. You actively
explore things together as a couple that you both enjoy and add
interest, fun, and vitality to your relationship,” says Fleming.
4. They Take Their Bad Days Out on You Instead of Opening Up to You
Just
like there will be bumps in the road in your relationship, there will
be crummy days when each partner has a rough time at work or school.
“Everyone reacts differently to a bad day at work, no matter how healthy
or toxic they may normally be," says Morse. "The difference is in how
they treat and behave with you. A healthy partner will be able to see
that you are not the enemy, and will resist the urge to take their bad
feelings out on you."
If they choose to work
out, take a walk, or read a book immediately after a not-so-stellar day,
know that it may just be their way of coping, and it doesn't mean they
don’t want to share things with you. “They may not be ready to talk
about it (now or ever), but they will certainly communicate that they’ve
had a rough day and need a little space," says Morse. "Whether they
choose to share the details with you or not, they will eventually turn
to you for comfort and will allow themselves to be comforted”.
“A
toxic lover will wield their bad day like a sword, lashing out at you
with the slightest provocation. More likely than not, your partner will
try to cope with their bad day through avoidant and toxic means: staying
out all night, drinking, partying, or going off the grid completely,”
says Morse. “If you live together
and they do come home, they are not a person you want to be around.
They may shut themselves in their room, refuse to talk to you or tell
you what happened, and make you the clear enemy. How could they possibly
open up to you about what happened? It becomes a matter of pride, and
they would rather break up with you than let you see them in a
vulnerable moment.”
5. Your Partner Withholds or Demands Sex
Mismatched
desire is a common, but oft-undiscussed, issue in relationships.
“Healthy relationships accept that you both might inherently have
different levels of libido, and you work together so that your needs for
both connection and physical intimacy are met,” says Fleming. In short:
“Each of you are stretching out of your comfort zone and personal
preference to find that balance.” (For some help on finding that
equilibrium, check out what you should do if your sex drive is different than your S.O.'s)
And if a healthy intimate life means not having sex right now? “A
quality dude or gal will love that you want to wait. They’ll respect
that you value your personal worth,” adds Lester.
“Toxic
relationships are ones in which one party demands sex when their
partner isn’t interested, and equally toxic is to withhold sex or to be
in a sexless relationship—unless that’s an arrangement that’s what you
both consensually want,” says Fleming. Different libidos in
relationships are normal; different levels of respect are not.
6. Your Partner is Distant After an Argument
All couples argue. In fact, it can even help improve your relationship
and help you establish better communication skills. “A healthy
relationship partner will approach the fight as exactly that: a partner.
This person will make every effort to see both sides of the conflict,
making an effort to listen to your perspective and share their own
experience without hostility. Afterward, they will apologize for their
own part in it and offer solutions for how the problem could be avoided
in the future,” says Morse. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but when
you’re in a healthy relationship, your better half will work hard to
improve whatever issue is at hand, and reinforce the fact that they they
believe in you as a couple and want to work things out.
“Toxic
relationship partners are not known for their conflict-resolution
skills, as they are generally unable to see their own part in a fight.
And since this person has never been at fault for anything in their
entire life, they will most likely go back and forth between total
denial and apathy, with random bursts of rage,” says Morse. Needless to
say, it’s a recipe for making you feel pretty damn crummy about things—
especially if your partner uses a fight as an opportunity to refuse to
talk to you or as a chance to withhold sex, attention, or affection from
you, keeping the control completely in their hands.
7. They Refuse to Take Responsibility
When
you fight, is your partner able to admit his part? Or is his only
admission that you made him angry? In a healthy relationship, both
people can take a step back and see how they contribute to its successes
and failures—no one person is to blame. The inability to shoulder
responsibility is the mark of an emotionally immature person.
“Healthy
relationships take responsibility for behavior doing 100 percent of
their 50 precent,” says Fleming. “If you are in a healthy relationship,
you and your partner take responsibility for your actions. Yes,
sometimes we screw up and do things that hurt or disappoint our partner.
Healthy relationships are those in which you both can own when you act
badly and take effort to repair the connection”.
Meanwhile,
a stubborn reluctance to concede you’re at fault? You should take this
kind of sign seriously that things might be off. “A sign of an unhealthy
relationship is when your partner never admits [they are] wrong,
doesn’t take responsibility for their actions or always needs to have
the last word,” says Fleming.
8. Your Partner Keeps Score
Are
you or your partner keeping score? Whether you know, for a fact,
without a doubt, that this is the sixth time in two months that he's
shown up late, or he refuses to forget that time you tossed his favorite
pair of pants into the Goodwill pile, the only place a scoreboard
belongs is above a sports field. If one of you is keeping score of good
deeds or wrongdoings, chances are you're in a toxic relationship.
9. Your S.O. Makes Your Feel Dumb
He
makes you feel stupid. A romantic partner should build you up, not tear
you down. That person should never make you feel bad about your
interests, beliefs, or hobbies. I once asked a boyfriend if he'd join me
at a haunted house—and his response was to ask me why I liked such
sh—ty things. Let me be the first to surprise you with how that
relationship ended: I moved on, and fast.
10. They Threaten to Break Up with You
Someone
is constantly threatening to end things. One or both of you live in
fear that the smallest argument or crisis will cause the other to leave.
For example, rather than saying, "It bothers me when you're late," you
say, "I can't be with someone who can't show up on time." People should
be able to express negative thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn't
cause a commitment crisis.
11. Your Partner Calls You Names
Name-calling
is normal in a healthy relationship. The only names you should call
your significant other are those on that person's birth certificate and
terms of endearment. If your guy uses words or unflattering terms to
unconsciously or purposely hurt you, that's toxic behavior you're better
off without. And if you're prone to dropping a "you're being a [insert
explicative here]," it might be time to ask yourself why you use that
language with someone you care about.
12. Your Partner Goes MIA
If
your partner thinks it's okay to disappear post-fight, then ignore you
for three days straight and finally come back planning to pick up as if
you'd never had a fight, he needs to think again. Ghosting is toxic,
even if it's temporary. It establishes a pattern that makes it
impossible to feel secure and confident in a relationship.
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